What should be seen as one of my most liberating years within the United States, I have found myself and the time wanting. I did not carpe diem as I should. I had the opportunity to see several concerts; New Orleans; Washington D.C.; Raleigh, NC; Jacksonville, FL; Various places in SC and opportunities to be with friends.
While I did them all, so much of it was overshadowed by a love un-returned and the solitary feeling of one who has never had a special someone to call their own, someone to share her experiences with. I find myself pining over this nameless figure more and more often, the more I discover that I am lacking much.
And what has overshadowed all of this, is the fact that I have turned into my absolute worst enemy. I can no longer soothe and assuage my anger and sadness, instead my mind has turned towards attacking itself, like white blood cells, lost and confused attack the body they are meant to protect.
This has not been a good year, only because, I did not let myself have a good year, and instead I reflect on all of the very sad moments, all of the very lonely instances amongst people and all of my mean actions. I find myself undeserving of much, and yet denied more. And I ask, so often to the heavens, how much longer the suffering will go, how much longer I have to wait, for patience, as I grow older grows thinner and less.
I know, for self-counseling purposes I need to highlight the good things. And they are there, they filter through, but so many of them, I am afraid I have built up in my mind as well, and that they never existed, as these horrible feelings never did as well. Does “nothing” ease the pain then? No, the empty aches all the more.
I am, however, ready for this new year. I know I will be much sadder before I am much happier, but I have made some plans, I am working on myself, the only ways I have known how: I am cutting my hair off, I am writing, I am drawing, reading, cooking, going into nature, running and loving what I can, and what will accept my love.
What more could I do?
These past two years have been my stasis. I only hope that with 2013, I will know, whether or not I will upend my life here and travel on, move. Oh, God! To move! To travel and see and experience and have it flood through me as one who is really and truly living! To strive after the one thing I know I need to be doing, to achieve it and go, go, go into another place that is not so content in staying in one spot. The hope that the next time I get in my car, it is not to escape, not to get away for a while, but to move down the road to the next chapter, the next story, and to never look back.
Happy New Years or Hogmanay if you are from the country that has my heart.